My little sister is getting married in May. She's my last sibling to get married. We were always close growing up and were often referred to as "The Twins." The only negative thing about our relationship was that I couldn't tell her what was going on in my personal life since I wasn't out to her. I hoped that our relationship would be made stronger when I came out to her last year. But as you can read here, she didn't take it well at all and our relationship has deteriorated to the point that I've only spoken to her once since Christmas.
When I found out she had chosen the date of her wedding I called her to ask if I could bring Kip. She didn't really think about it before saying yes. She just wanted to make sure that I really cared about him and that I wasn't bringing him to try to make my parents upset. I told of course I cared about him. I asked Kip if he would come with me and he agreed. I was so excited that Kip was going to meet my family and Dave and see where I grew up.
Fast forward a couple of weeks to last Friday. I was calling my dad back after he left me a message to call him. My mom answered and we chatted for a minute before she blurts out, "We don't want Kip to come to the wedding." I should have seen it coming, but I wasn't even sure they knew I wanted to bring him yet, so I was caught by surprise. Over the next twenty minutes she proceeded to explain why:because they weren't ready for it yet, because Katie changed her mind and I can't take attention away from her on her special day, because my mom doesn't want Kip to come and she not be able to be nice to him. She says she's trying to understand the decisions I made but hasn't been able to deal yet. Keep in mind I came out to them eight months ago. I think a normal family would have been able to deal by now. I don't see how she's ever going to be ok with it because she believes I won't be happy in the long run and that I'm ruining my life. I'm reminded of why I hate the fact that my family is Mormon.
So Kip's not coming with me to the wedding anymore and I have to face my extended family all alone. I'm sure he's relieved and I guess I am too a little just because I don't think my family could have treated him the way he deserves to be treated just because they don't approve of our relationship. I thought about not going at all but I know I'd regret it. It just won't be very special if I don't get to be there with Kip. After the wedding I don't know if I'll ever want to go back.
9 comments:
Are you and Kip back together?
I don't know if you read what I wrote on my blog regarding a new book and play by Carol Lynn Pearson that will be out in November, but I think they might benefit from it.
And just for the record, I don't think any family is normal. But when you compound the facts that you weren't only telling them you are gay, but that you are out of the Mormon church....it might take quite a bit of time...Think how long you had to accept yourself as gay....
I had a friend whose Christian fundamentalist mother reacted by disowning him and removing from display family photographs that included him.
After some time, she came around a little, calling him when she wanted to take advantage of the discount to immediate family members that his employer provided.
Years later, something finally clicked with her and she's as loving and supportive of him as she was before he came out to her.
I feel for you. My family would react the very same way.
I am so sorry that they are making such a big deal out of it...but to them it's the biggest deal in the world.
I'm positive they will come around, but I think it may take a lot longer than you are expecting. Years will go by and you will still feel alienated by them, but every opportunity to be with them will show them that you really are happy.
Live your life the best way you know how, and don't give up on them--be the example and change that you want to see in them. Be kind, be loving, and most of all be patient. This will be difficult I am sure, but it will be worth it. You can't abandon your family. In the long run, you will see amazing results. They will come to accept and love you regardless of your sexuality.
Being gay is hard enough. Being Mormon and gay is a bitch. I've gone through similar things with my family. It's so bad, they think the woman I live with is just my "roommate." They don't know we've been together almost five years.
I'm sorry to hear your family is excluding the most important person in your life during an event that is meant to solidify family ties, not tear them apart. Even though you came out to your parents eight months ago and it seems like they should be over this by now, it's going to take time. Just as you may be mourning certain loses in your life as a result of coming out, they too are mourning certain loses based on their expectations of what your life would be (granted, loose expectations based wholly on a theological ideal, but an expectation nonetheless.)
My suggestion: ask Kip to go with you on your trip. He won't go with you to the actual wedding, but if there is someone there you can "come home" to at the end of each day's events, that will do your heart and head a world of good. If you can afford it, get a hotel; don't stay at your parents place or with family members. If they question why you're not staying with them, be honest and say, "Kip came with me. We knew you wouldn't be comfortable with him here so we made reservations at a very nice hotel here in town." If you can't afford a hotel, find friends who will put you put for a few days.
The important thing is, don't let your family make all the rules for your life. You can respect your sister's request to not bring Kip to the actual wedding, but that doesn't mean you have to suffer the entire time you're with your family. As for Kip, it could be a great opportunity for him to do a little sightseeing while you're out with your family. There are ways around the oppression.
All the best.
You are so brave to be so honest with yourself and everyone you love. Your blog always teaches me something. And hang in there, you've got a family here too :)
Your strength in handling this situation is an inspiration to those who mught read this and think that coming out is too difficult.
I somewhat agree with Janet about asking Kip to go with you anyway so you will have someone to lean on while in Utah for the wedding. However, that might just alienate your family even more. This is not an easy decision.
As Sanjida's note indicates, it sounds as though you have much support in Columbus for whatever decision you choose and they will stand by you through all of this.
Much luck to you.
The challenge with families is that you know you're supposed to accept them no matter how much you disagree with them. Sounds like they are having a hard time with that. You, on the other hand, are taking the high road. I think it's impressive that you can be, in some ways, more mature and adjusted than others in your family who are older and have more life experiences. Accommodating their reluctance and difficulty dealing with your situation is a mark of an understanding and confident person. After all, I believe, families should stick by each other.
Thanks for all your comments. I do realize now that it has been a short time since I came out to my family and they need more time to adjust.
Thanks for all of your encouraging comments on my blog. I really appreciate them. You have quite a strong spirit about you to be able to really go for what you want with such persistence. I think its great. I also think that in the case of your family, they will def. need lots of time. Its certainly an adjustment for anyone, let alone a bunch of Mormons. I dont know how often you even address the subject with your family members, but it might be beneficial to approach them in a very low key manner. From what i've seen it looks like the coming out process for you has been rather confrontational? And maybe it would be best to talk to each one of your family members alone and separately. I'm sure you've done this...but maybe it will help to try again, esp now that they have had some time to digest it.
As for your sister, it might be good to tell her that you are saddened that the fact that you told her about your sexuality and that you now have a BF and are not active in the chruch would drive such a big space between the two of you. Tell her that maybe thats one of the biggest problems you see in the church, is that there is such a lack of acceptance of others. Tell her you want nothing but her happiness, but that you have to seek happiness in your own way, and that the mormon way is not the ONLY way. It may help to tell her how much it would mean to you if she could really work on accepting you.
If you make sacrifices, like being patient and kind with them, regardless of them treating you differently, I am confident that they will eventually come around. Blood is thicker than water, family is family, and eventually they will have a better understanding of your life, your wants and needs for happiness, even if its different from their 'way' of doing things.
Post a Comment