Wednesday, February 15, 2006

For those who say the Bible condemns homosexuality

I came across this hypothetical letter:

Dear President Bush,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose
and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage.

As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a
woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.When
someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply
remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an
abomination... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements
of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend
of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I
tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill
him myself, or should I ask the police or someone else to do it?

5. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality.
I disagree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

6. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by
Lev.19:27. How would you chooses that they die?

7. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

8. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of
two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to
curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the
trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we
do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging.

In Jesus name, Consolidated People Who Are Less Than Pure in America

4 comments:

DCTwistedLife said...

lol, nice letter there. I knew there were some crazy rules in the bible... but I didn't know what they were. Nice. Now I'll remember to never cut my sideburns, and I wont have a problem touching a woman while she's on her period (let alone any other time...)... oh well. lol.

P.S. Shakira is my number one favorite artist. Ok, MAYBE tied with Madonna.... you understand, right?

Anonymous said...

I think someone should send that to Bush, but then again I am not sure if he can read.

Sanjida said...

HIL AR IOUS. I read Leviticus quite a few times for my Religion and Feminism courses and it confoozles me. I would suggest that Bush consider progressive interpretation of biblical text, but he might not be able to pronounce interpretation.

Janet Kincaid said...

This is reminiscient of an episode of the West Wing where POTUS puts down an evangelical, self-righteous lobbyist who is threatening to undermine some policy piece of President Bartlett's if he doesn't support denying GLBT rights. It was a classic episode that had many of us cheering! Some days, I wish Martin Sheen's character would run for president. Three years left and counting...